Anybody can help me by marking my lousy essay

grazygirl

Anybody can help me correcting my essay?
essay title: You are taking part in an elocution contest. The topic is " Parental guidance and home environment are the key to a child's academic excellence".

Here's my essay:

Nowadays, students spend most of their time at home compare at school. Parents have the responsibility to take good care of their children.

Parents should early expose their children to the importance of learning. Parents should take their children to the library during the weekend to expose them to variety type of books and help them in doing well in their academic performance.

Other than that, parents have to motivate their children to give them a good head start. parents should encourage their children the habit of studying. Parents can also help their children to test himself, parents can ask their children questions to reinforce what was studied.

Guidance and supervision from parents are very important to their children. Parents should show their children how to select a suitable and good book to read. Parents can also show their children learn about history by take them visit historical sites.

Parents should have proper facilities and conducive atmosphere at home. Parents should prepare a proper study space and have adequate supplies of study materials in a special place in which to keep them the atmosphere will be better for reading.

In a nutshell, parents plays important role in guiding their children for better academic excellence.

grazygirl

mark on my post by using different colours ok. Thank a lot....

stan24ley

感觉有点离题了
内容应该着重于‘父母在孩子学业上所扮演的角色及其重要性’和‘家庭环境对孩子学业的影响’，而你的文章却把重点全放在‘父母该做的事’，这些都是次要的吧？

yen1988

原帖由 grazygirl 于 1-6-2007 05:17 PM 发表
Anybody can help me correcting my essay?
essay title: You are taking part in an elocution contest. The topic is " Parental guidance and home environment are the key to a child's academic ex ...

Nowadays, students spend most of their time at home if compare with school.Parents have the responsibility to take good care of their children. Parents should expose their children to the importance oflearning   at an early stage. Parents should take their children to the library during theweekend to expose them to various type of books and help them to excel in their academic performance. Other than that, parents have to motivate their children to give them agood head start. parents should encourage their children to study. Parents can also help their children to test themselves by asking them  questions to reinforce what they have learned. Guidance and supervision from parents are very important to thechildren. Parents should show their children how to select a suitableand good book to read. Parents can also teach their children abouthistory by taking them to the historical sites. Parents should have proper facilities and appropriate atmosphere at home which are conducive to learning.Parents should prepare a proper study space and have adequate suppliesof study materials in a special place to ensure that their children can have a suitable environment for reading. In a nutshell, parents play important role in guiding their children for better academic achievements. 有错莫怪。。。

grazygirl

原帖由 stan24ley 于 1-6-2007 09:28 PM 发表
感觉有点离题了
内容应该着重于‘父母在孩子学业上所扮演的角色及其重要性’和‘家庭环境对孩子学业的影响’，而你的文章却把重点全放在‘父母该做的事’，这些都是次要的吧？

是老师给的POINT.


yen1988

谢谢你哦！

xuenn

原帖由 grazygirl 于 2-6-2007 11:11 AM 发表


是老师给的POINT.


yen1988

谢谢你哦！

Stan24ley has a point there. The points given are correct, but the way you're putting it the essay sounds more like "What should parents do to ensure a child's academic excellence." For this given topic, you're expected to state the importance of parental guidance in ensuring a child's academic excellence.

So, to make it sound more like the importance of parental guidance in ensuring a child's academic excellence:
Eg1:
Instead of Parents should expose their children to the importance of learning at an early stage,
use Parents can teach their children the importance of learning at an early stage.

Eg2:
Instead of Parents should have proper facilities and appropriate atmosphere at home which are conducive to learning,
use Parents are able to provide proper facilites and appropriate atmosphere at home which are conducive to learning.

These reasons are why parental guidance is key to a child's academic excellence.

You should add the greetings since this is a speech.
Also, I think you should organize your points more clearly. I can see that there are 3 main points there.

1.)Exposure to importance of learning at an early stage:
-Introduce them to a variety of books which would help them to excel in their academic achievements
-These steps make a good head start for the children

2.)Guidance and supervision from parents are very important to the children
-Parents are able to take their children to the library during weekends
-Parents can keep you away from unhealthy activities

3.)Parents are able to provide a suitable study environment
-The study environment have great effects over children
-A good study environment will motivate their studies more

橙色为Main points
蓝色为Sub points

加油!